California Family Law Blog

Ten words that describe infertility

2013-05-09T17:26:57Z

This post was written by Steve Wiens and the original post can be found on www.SteveWiens.com

Here are ten words I would use to describe how infertility feels:

1. Lonely. We saw couple after couple get pregnant before us, our best friends included. When they told us, we high-fived them, then we went home, and hardly knew what to say to each other. We felt lost, sad, and even lonelier than before. We were excited for them; we were just very sad for us.

It’s okay to go home and cry your eyes out when your friends get pregnant.

2. Exposed. Everybody wants to give you advice, and some people say incredibly stupid things. My favorite: “You just need to stop trying so hard!” Some people want to know every excruciating detail of what you’re doing to get pregnant. Suddenly, your most private details are the subject of casual conversation. Once people know you’re trying, people want to know how it’s going, if you’ve done artificial insemination, if you’d consider IVF, and how it felt in that small white room with the gross leather chair & the bad magazines.

It’s okay to avoid the question, smile, and change the subject. Keep as many things private as you can (except to a few trusted friends).

3. On Hold. We were always checking the calendar, wondering if we should plan that vacation, or that work trip, because what if we’re pregnant? Then we stopped doing that, because we would have never lived if we would have scheduled everything around a “what if.”

It’s okay to miss a month or two; you have to live your life. This is hard, but over the long haul, it will create more stress if you feel so trapped that you can’t plan anything. We even found that it’s good to take a month off now and then.

4. Invaded. For women, there are so many things entering your body (probes, needles, drugs) and so many people measuring your progress. Even sex, at the mercy of a calendar or a temperature reading, can feel invasive. The loss of control can almost merge into a loss of self. But, it feels like once you’ve started down this road, there’s no stopping until you get pregnant.

It’s okay to say what you need, and it’s okay to shore up your boundaries in whatever ways you can.

5. Awkward. During one of the first visits where I was given the small cup and ceremoniously ushered into the small room, I actually ran into some people from my church afterwards. Of course they had their baby with them. I had a small cup that contained very personal contents with me. They asked, “What are you doing here?” I mean, what do you say?

It’s okay to laugh at yourself sometimes. And when someone catches you with your cup in your hand, that’s all you can do.

6. Angry. Unfair is the password that gets you into the infertility club. Mary tells a story of a friend asking her if she was angry with God. “No!” she blurted. “I’m angry at pregnant women!” She knew this was irrational, but she also knew that it was good for her soul to be honest in safe places. You actually may be angry with God, and you may need to find some safe places to be honest about that.

It’s okay to express the darkness, even the stuff you’re terribly embarrassed about, because it’s good for your soul. But in the right places, with people who can handle it.

7. Stressed. Even though it seems like a stressed out couple is less likely to get pregnant, The American Society for Reproductive Medicine finds that there is no proof stress causes infertility. Besides, trying hard to “not be so stressed about it” never worked for us. It also didn’t help to “just stop trying.” Everybody has a friend who was infertile for 73 years, and the day they stopped trying, they got pregnant. That never happened with us.

It’s okay to be stressed. Don’t stress about your stress. Trying hard not to be stressed is silly.

8. Despair. The cycle of hope and despair with infertility can take you out. I remember getting so excited when Mary was 2 days late, and just knowing that this time, it’s going to happen! Then, a few days or hours later, when she told me she got “it,” I would plunge into despair. The alternative is to temper your hope so that your despair doesn’t get so low. After about a hundred months of experiencing this cycle, we found that the best route is to keep hoping, and if it doesn’t happen, keep crying. It’s too hard to pretend that you’re not excited and that you’re not depressed. Be excited. Be depressed.

It’s okay to hope, and it’s okay to cry. Keep hoping and keep crying.

9. Loss. This was not how it was supposed to be. This was not what you dreamed it would be. And you don’t know how it will end.

It’s okay if you don’t know how to wrap your mind around your emotions. Be gentle with yourself for not totally having control of how you feel from moment to moment.

10. Ambivalence. Every time you have to go through another kind of treatment, you ask yourself: “Is it worth it? Do I really want it that bad?” And then in the very next breath, you are taken out by the sheer magnitude of how much you want a baby.

It’s okay to want and not want. That’s normal.

If you’re struggling with infertility, it can be such a dark time. You have to be out loud with each other about what you need, and every journey will be different. You have to give yourselves permission to do this journey in whatever way makes the most sense for you.

Surrogate Offered $10,000 to Abort Baby

2013-03-06T03:22:54Z

Photo from cnn.com

There is a case hitting the news today about a surrogate who was offered $10,000 to abort a baby. Although this title is an oversimplification of the dilemma faced by the parties in this story, this is a very real circumstance that could arise and highlights the importance of a strong match between the Intended Parents and the Surrogate.

In this case, the Surrogate, Crystal Kelley, agreed to act as a gestational carrier for the Intended Parents. Pursuant to the terms of their legal contract, Kelley became pregnant with an embryo belonging to the Intended Parents. About half way through the pregnancy, it was discovered that the fetus had severe congenital and genetic abnormalities and the Intended Parents requested that Kelley have an abortion. Although Kelley had signed a legal contract stating that she would have an abortion if requested by the Intended Parents, she did not feel that this was the morally correct thing to do. The Intended Parents offered her an additional $10,000 to have an abortion, but Kelley would not agree.

In most surrogacy contracts, there is a clause stating that the surrogate will agree to an abortion, if requested by the Intended Parents. Typically, this clause requires that the request be based on genetic or congenital abnormalities, or selective reduction in the case of multiples. Usually, there is language in this clause stating that the surrogate understands that she has a constitutionally protected right to reproductive freedom, and by entering into the contract, has agreed to waive that right and allow the Intended Parents to make the decision when and if it is necessary. Often, the contract will contain language similar to the following:

In the event the Surrogate chooses to exercise her right to abort, or not abort, or selectively reduce or not reduce, in a manner inconsistent with the provisions of this Section IX, it is understood that such action shall be considered to be a material breach of contract by the Surrogate, resulting in serious legal repercussions including but not limited to all remedies available to the Intended Parents in law and in equity, including the Surrogate’s liability for any added cost associated with the care of the Child, and also including but not limited to the cost of medical and other care of a Child with special needs, In addition, in said event the Surrogate shall be responsible for all medical expenses with respect to her pre-natal care and delivery which are not covered and/or paid by insurance.

So, we have to ask ourselves the question of whether a court will enforce the terms of this contract if the Intended Parents were to sue a surrogate for a cause of action such as “wrongful birth”? Would the surrogate then be liable to the intended parents for the costs associated with raising the baby? What about the medical costs incurred on behalf of a baby who suffers from genetic or congenital defects? The courts have not yet addressed these questions, but it is likely just a matter of time.

How can you avoid a fundamental disagreement with your surrogate?

If you are using a surrogacy agency, work closely with them to ensure that you are matched with a surrogate who has values that are closely aligned with your own. Would she choose an abortion under the same circumstances that you might?
If you are using a friend or family member as a surrogate, make sure to discuss the issue of abortion in detail and what circumstances may lead to having to make this decision.
Maintain good communication with your surrogate throughout the course of the pregnancy. Discuss any scenarios that arise as soon as possible, and if necessary, bring in a neutral third party such as a mental health professional or a mediator.
Always be honest and up front with your surrogate about what you are and are not comfortable with. This will create an open stream of communication and hopefully help to reduce conflict when you are faced with a difficult decision.

If you would like more information about how to choose the right surrogate, finding a good surrogacy agency in the Los Angeles, San Francisco or California area, or are looking for a surrogacy lawyer to assist you with your matter, please call 310-598-6428 or email Rose@FamilyFormationLawCenter.com

Perez Hilton is a Daddy!

2013-03-06T03:01:58Z

Celebrity blogger Perez Hilton announced on his website that he is the proud father of a new baby boy. Hilton, who is openly gay, posted a photo of himself and his son on his site and expressed his excitement about fatherhood. He stated on the site, “I am so humbled to welcome this little man into my life. And I am honored and ready for the challenge of guiding him through his.”

In a 2009 interview Hilton told the Los Angeles Times that he wanted to be a father before her turned 35 and that he had “investigated surrogates.” However, at this point he has not disclosed whether the child was adopted or carried by a surrogate. All he will say right now is that he is “blessed” to have his son in his life. Many of his celebrity friends took to Twitter to congratulate him, with sentiments such as “welcome to the club!” and “let us know if you need any baby tips!”

In lieu of sending gifts, Hilton has asked that his fans make donations to VH1s Save the Music Foundation and the Gay, Lesbian, & Straight Education Network.

If you are interested in using a surrogate or finding a good surrogacy agency or surrogacy lawyer in Los Angeles or the rest of California, please call 310-598-6428 or email Rose@FamilyFormationLawCenter.com

Co-Parenting in the New York Times

2013-02-15T00:19:00Z

Dawn Pieke and Fabian Blue both wanted to be parents. In 2011, neither of them knew that the other existed. Dawn lived in Omaha, Nebraska and Fabian lived in Melbourne, Australia. They first met through a Facebook page for the site Co-parents.net. They talked through Facebook and Skype and forged a connection. Eventually, Fabian decided to move from Melbourne to Omaha so that he and Dawn could have a child together. The catch? They were not looking for a romantic relationship with one another, but looking for someone to share a child with.

Dawn and Fabian are among many couples who are using the internet as a way of finding people who, like them, want to be parents but are not looking for a romantic relationship. The New York Times reported last week that more and more people are looking to the internet to find someone with whom to share a child. Sites such as PollenTree.com, Coparents.com, Modamily.com, and MyAlternativeFamily.com are becoming more popular as people seek a person who is looking for the opportunity to have a child without starting a romantic relationship.

The laws around co-parenting agreements vary from state to state, so it is important to be aware of the laws as well as any court cases that may affect such agreements. The Family Formation Law Center offers services to co-parents including drafting parenting agreements, developing parenting plans, mediating issues that arise during disagreements and advising regarding egg and sperm donation as it pertains to co-parenting. If you have questions or would like to schedule a consultation, please contact Rose@FamilyFormationLawCenter.com or 310-598-6428.

For the full text of the article, visit http://www.nytimes.com/2013/02/10/fashion/seeking-to-reproduce-without-a-romantic-partnership.html?pagewanted=all&_r=2&.

Debunking Myths About Sperm and Egg Donation

2013-02-12T02:26:39Z

The popular media tends to exploit the myths around sperm and egg donation and perpetuate false beliefs about what the process entails. While they may have some of the facts correct, there are also a lot of misconceptions existing as well. We took a look at some of the more common misconceptions and the realities behind them.

MYTH #1: Anyone can be a sperm donor and the process is easy.

FACT: Anyone who meets the rigid qualifications can be a sperm donor, and it is not an easy process. According to the Fertility Pro Registry website (www.fertilityproregistry.com) less than 5% of men who attempt to become sperm donors are actually accepted. While every facility has their own set of qualifications, applicants are screened for STDs, genetic abnormalities and other diseases. Their physical and psychological backgrounds are checked and they must be able to provide a family health history going back three generations. They must also be willing to commit to the program for up to 6 months as the screening process alone may take three months.

MYTH #2: Sperm banks are unregulated and can do whatever they want to make money.

FACT: Sperm banks are regulated by the FDA and according to the Fairfax Cryobank, various other state governments. In California, the Department of Health Services may perform unannounced inspections and if a bank fails the inspection, their license may be revoked. Furthermore, many banks are accredited by the American Association of Tissue Banks (AATB) and all follow the guidelines of the American Society of Reproductive Medicine (ASRM).

MYTH#3: Donors (sperm or egg) may try to interfere or lay claim to my child.

FACT: All donors go into donation situations knowing that their purpose is to help someone who would not otherwise be able to conceive a child on their own. Donors are fertile men and women who are helping those who, for whatever reason, are dealing with infertility. If they wanted to have a child, they would typically be able to on their own. However, it is important to note that anonymous donors usually receive very little information on the intended parents, if any. In the case of a known (and anonymous donor) this is an issue that should be clearly addressed in the donor contract to ensure that the future interests of the parnets and the child are secured.

Myth: Donors are only in it for the money.

FACT: While there are donors who are interested in the financial compensation, most donors are actually donating because they want to help other start a family. Sperm donors are actually compensated very little (according to the Fertility Pro Registry, anywhere from $1-$55 per specimen) and while egg donors do receive more financial compensation, they also have to go through a more rigorous process to donate (taking hormonal medications, working with various medical professionals and an attorney). Further, according to the American Fertility Association, part of the screening process for donors is to assess “need” from “want.” A potential donor who is looking for the money to pay off her credit card debt is much less likely to pass the screening process than a donor who is looking to pay off student loans as a certain level of responsibility is inferred. While financial compensation is involved, steps are taken to ensure that donors are not there for the wrong reasons.

For many, gamete donation is the preferred path to take when dealing with infertility. Being able to separate the myths from the facts is an important step in deciding how to proceed when trying to grow your family. If you have questions about sperm donation or egg donation, and would like to speak with an attorney, please call 310-598-6428 or email rose@familyformationlawcenter.com.

The information you obtain at this site is not, nor is it intended to be, legal advice. You should consult an attorney for advice regarding your individual situation. We invite you to contact us and welcome your calls, letters and electronic mail. Contacting us does not create an attorney-client relationship. Please do not send any confidential information to us until such time as an attorney-client relationship has been established.

Tips for International Parents Using a Surrogate in California

2012-08-17T19:57:26Z

International surrogacy arrangements can seem daunting, but if you are working with an experienced surrogacy lawyer, surrogacy agency and medical staff, many of the complications can be eliminated or proactively addressed through proper drafting of contracts, screening of the surrogate, and medical screening for any possible health conditions.

Here are some tips for a smooth international surrogacy relationship:

Work with a reputable surrogacy agency that can provide you with references from former clients and other fertility professionals in their area.
Consult with a surrogacy lawyer who has specific expertise in family formation law including surrogacy, egg donation, sperm donation and embryo disposition.
Get to know your surrogate. This is an important relationship, and as in all relationships, communication is key to a harmonious and smooth process.
Understand the laws in the state where your surrogate lives. California surrogacy law is relatively new, and therefore it is of the utmost importance to work closely with a qualified surrogacy lawyer.
Work with an immigration attorney in your home country to ensure a smooth return home after your baby is born.

The Family Formation Law Center regularly works with Intended Parents from all over the world including China, Australia, France, Switzerland, Italy, Spain, Argentina, Brazil and Japan. Please contact us if you would like to speak to a surrogacy lawyer in Los Angeles or the San Francisco Bay Area, or would like more information regarding international surrogacy. 310-598-6428 or Rose@FamilyFormationLawCenter.com.

Do I need to adopt the baby I had with my domestic partner?

2012-06-23T04:05:34Z

Do I need to adopt my own child? Why it is important for Lesbian and Gay parents to achieve formal recognition of their parentage through the court.

Although California has taken steps to provide legal protections to same-sex unions, the state of the law is unsettled and under close scrutiny by governing bodies in California, throughout the United States and abroad. Even though your name is on the birth certificate, your legal parentage rights are not guaranteed if you are not biologically related to the child.

The Full Faith & Credit Clause of the United States Constitution – which is what makes judgments portable from state to state – does not protect statuses. Being married is a “status” and this is why other states don’t have to honor California’s recognition of domestic partnerships, civil unions or same-sex marriages. But, if you have a judgment declaring you the legal parent, then that judgment is entitled to Full Faith & Credit in every state in the country. Therefore, in order to have your parental status fully recognized in every state, lesbian and gay parents must make certain they have court judgments saying they are parents. This can be accomplished through a “second-parent adoption.”

Unfortunately, we have a recent example in our national law of why these judgments are essential. In Miller-Jenkins v. Miller-Jenkins, the State of Virginia refused to recognize the parental rights of the non-biological mother of a child born to a lesbian couple who entered into a civil union in the State of Vermont before the child’s birth. The Virginia trial court refused to acknowledge the parent-child relationship despite the fact that the child was born into an intact Vermont civil union. Fortunately, the Virginia trial court decision was overturned on appeal, since a Vermont family court had already taken jurisdiction over the case and entered custody and support orders prior to the marriage being filed in Virginia. However, this case is just one graphic illustration of why it is so important to gain legal recognition of parentage in the form of a judgment via a second-parent adoption or domestic-partner adoption.

Another reason why establishing legal parentage is imperative is the likely prospect of the federal government refusing to recognize parentage based on same-sex marriages, civil unions, or domestic partnerships even when there is no conflict between the parents. A situation may arise where the non-biological mother/father dies when the child is young and the surviving mother/father applies for Social Security benefits based on the fact that the birth certificate lists both parents (including the late non-biological mother) as parents. It is very possible that the federal government could deny Social Security benefits to the child on the grounds that the deceased partner’s claim of parentage “arises from” a same-sex marriage, which is denied federal recognition. There are many other situations where the federal government may not recognize parentage without a legal judgment including an IRS audit or a possibility that the Department of Homeland Security would refuse to issue your child a passport with your partner listed as a parent.

The unfortunate result of the above information is that lesbian and gay parents cannot rely on state-by-state recognition of their relationship to establish formal legal parentage of their children. Each parent must do his or her own research to establish and secure an independent legal relationship with his or her child that is not dependent on the state recognition of his/her relationship with his/her spouse or partner.

For more information about domestic-partner adoption, second-parent adoption, or step-parent adoption, call 310-598-6428 or email Rose@FamilyFormationLawCenter.com

Give your family the gift of basic estate planning

2012-04-15T00:33:06Z

Did you know that nearly two thirds of Americans haven't even done basic estate planning?

There is often a mountain of paperwork that needs to be dealt with when a loved one passes away. Did you know that you have to file taxes for someone after they die? Or pay their bills on time to avoid penalties?

You can remove a lot of the burden on your family by taking these simple steps:

Update the contact and beneficiary information on all of your important accounts (retirement, investment, insurances), then set a calendar reminder to check it yearly for accuracy.
Take inventory of all your assets and expenses and keep them in a safe place with your important documents.
Complete an Advance Health Care Directive with your desired medical and end-of-life instructions.
Select someone to serve as executor or trustee to oversee your estate.
Review your assets and medical wishes with your executor or trustee and then store the information somewhere secure.

Call The Family Formation Law Center for a complimentary review of your current estate plan and a discussion of your needs 310-598-6428.

Divorcing Women: Here's Where Husbands Typically Hide Assets

2012-03-15T01:31:12Z

An article on Forbes.com asks the tough questions: Could your husband be hiding assets? And if he is hiding assets, does that mean that you won't get the divorce settlement that you deserve?

If your husband wants to undervalue or disguise assets from you, he may:

Purchase items that could easily be overlooked or undervalued. Maybe no one will notice that expensive antique/carpet that's now at his office? Were you wondering why he recently made several significant additions to his coin/stamp/art collection?
Stash money in a safe deposit box, somewhere in the house or elsewhere. Think through your husband's recent habits and activities. Does anything lead you to believe he is hiding assets in actual cash?
Underreport income on tax returns and/or financial statements. If it's not reported, it can't be used in a financial analysis.
Overpay the IRS or creditors. If your husband overpays, he can get the refund later, after the divorce is final.
Defer salary, delay signing new contracts and/or hold commissions. This trick means this income won't be "on the books" during the divorce proceedings.
Create phony debt. Your husband can collude with family members and/or friends to establish phone loans or expenses. Then, he can make payments to the family members or friends, knowing that he'll get all the money back after the divorce is final.
Set up a custodial account in the name of a child, using the child's social security number. He could also use his girlfriend's social security number, in which case it might be difficult to locate the account.
Transfer stock. Your husband may transfer stock/investment accounts into the name of family members, business partners or "dummy" companies. After the divorce is final, the assets can be transferred back to him.

The full text of the article can be found by clicking here or visiting Forbes.com.

Call The Family Formation Law Center to determine what rights you have during your divorce at 310.598.6428 or email Info@FamilyFormationLawCenter.com.

Do posthumously conceived kids get Social Security Benefits? The Supremes will decide soon.

2012-03-13T21:34:09Z

Shortly after Robert Nicholas Capato’s death, his wife Karen Capato underwent in vitro fertilization using his frozen sperm and gave birth to twins in 2003. Karen Capato applied for Social Security benefits on behalf of her twins as survivors of a deceased wage earner. The Social Security Administration ("SSA") denied her claim. An Administrative Law Judge (“ALJ”) affirmed, ruling that state intestacy law controls eligibility for survivor benefits for posthumously conceived children under the Social Security Act ("Act"). Therefore, the twins were ineligible for benefits under the applicable Florida law. On appeal, the district court affirmed the ALJ’s reading. The United States Court of Appeals for the Third Circuit reversed and ruled that the plain language of the Act entitles the Capato twins, whose parentage is not in dispute, to survivor benefits. Petitioner Michael J. Astrue, Commissioner of the SSA, argues that the Act requires the agency to apply state intestacy law to determine whether an applicant is the child of an insured wage earner for the purpose of receiving survivor benefits. In contrast, Respondent Karen K. Capato contends that the Act unambiguously entitles undisputed biological children of married parents to survivor benefits, without referring to state intestacy laws. The Supreme Court’s decision will authoritatively interpret the Act’s mandate on the determination of survivor benefits eligibility, and possibly reflect on the balance between legislative rulemaking and unanticipated progress of science and technology.

Should Karen's child be able to receive Social Security Benefits? Read the full text of the issue presented on Cornell law by clicking here.

Have questions about estate planning, sperm donation or social secuirty benefits? Call our office for a consultation at 310.598.6428.